Thursday, May 31, 2007

pondering

Do you ever wish you could start all over again with your children?

Like just go back to the beginning and start fresh?

I was lying in bed beside Caroline the other night, and I realized that I have made so many mistakes.

I laid there, feeling her precious little body next to mine and I felt sad.

Sad that she is growing up.
Sad that she might be forever affected by some of my bad choices.

I could have been a better Mother.
I could have yelled less.
I could have held her more.
I could have played with her more.
I could have made home-cooked meals more.

So many things.

Then I wonder if she'll even remember the years before she was six.

I think in the beginning, I just didn't know how to be a Mother.
That's when I made the most mistakes.
I'm afraid they will always be buried deep within her psyche.

I hope not.
I hope she remembers us laughing, having fun, being together always, reading, doing school and all the wonderful holidays and moments we've shared.

I think just being so near her tonight made me realize how imperfect I am.
Before her, my mistakes only affected me - now I have this huge responsibility.

It scares me.
I realize as I type this that this is one of those things that I have to turn over to Jesus.
I will lay it at His feet and ask Him to help me put fear behind me and be a better Mother every day.

But wouldn't it be nice to start again?

8 comments:

Hollye said...

Oh Tracie. This made me cry because I struggle with this everyday. Every night when I put K to bed, I wonder...did I do enough with her today? Did I hug her enough? Did I give her the attention that she needed? How many times did I lose my temper?

I think as parents, this is something that we will always struggle with no matter how old our childern are.

Christy B said...

I agree with Hollye. We will always second guess our decisions and reactions. We learn from our mistakes and I think God made our children in such a way that they really only remember what they want to remember... which is usually the good things! When they get older they'll know what a struggle it was/is to be a parent. I know I do all the time. I wonder how did my parents do it all?!?!? Don't worry so much, you're doing a GREAT job!

Amy said...

Amen, sister! I struggle with this DAILY. It is something that we simply MUST trust the Lord with--it's a burden and responsibility much to great to bear. Love your blog!

Tammy Batson said...

Tracy ... you're starting to sound like me! =) I have learned one thing in life ... the scripture verse, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it" ... this is SO true ... they learn not just by "what we say", but also by "our actions and what we do" ... so yes, don't be fearful (at least don't let her see you being fearful) =) And just know ... that although you've never been a parent before, she's never been a kid either ... it's a learning process "together" ... yes, we've all made mistakes and have plenty of regrets ... but know that you are doing a fine job and keep doing what you're doing - "Trusting in Him" to help make the right decisions ... love you girl ... t

Pam (shea2473) said...

I know exactly what you mean, but then there are days like last weekend when my son (he is 7) told me it was the "goodest" day he has ever had. We just played outside together all day, no money was spent, just a lot of time and a lot of fun.:) I have 2 children and sometimes I have to ask myself if I have spent enough time with both of them everyday. My mother had 6, I don't know how she did it, but she always made each of us feel extra special and we would probably all tell you that we are her favorite, LOL! I can tell just from reading here that you are a wonderful mother! :)

Jennifer Fleming said...

Hollye said it great too that is i think what all of mothers think. Everytime i lose my temper or yell more than i should have i have this big guilt and I say I need to stop yelling as much, and so on. I think I need to sit back sometimes and say hold on this is a child who is trying to learn about his place in the world and discover things and is learning right from wrong.. it is so hard at times.
You made me sit and think...more!

Renee Graham said...

I have thought about this post since I first read it.
Wow. Powerful. Really Powerful.
I've been struggling with my discipline of Page. It seems she is out of control and taking me with her.
Thanks for helping me slow down.

stephanie said...

Tracie,

I know exactly what you mean and I am laying it all out before God to give me the strength I need to be a good parent.

We have good, good kids.
Thank the good Lord for that. :)