Do you ever wish you could start all over again with your children?
Like just go back to the beginning and start fresh?
I was lying in bed beside Caroline the other night, and I realized that I have made so many mistakes.
I laid there, feeling her precious little body next to mine and I felt sad.
Sad that she is growing up.
Sad that she might be forever affected by some of my bad choices.
I could have been a better Mother.
I could have yelled less.
I could have held her more.
I could have played with her more.
I could have made home-cooked meals more.
So many things.
Then I wonder if she'll even remember the years before she was six.
I think in the beginning, I just didn't know how to be a Mother.
That's when I made the most mistakes.
I'm afraid they will always be buried deep within her psyche.
I hope not.
I hope she remembers us laughing, having fun, being together always, reading, doing school and all the wonderful holidays and moments we've shared.
I think just being so near her tonight made me realize how imperfect I am.
Before her, my mistakes only affected me - now I have this huge responsibility.
It scares me.
I realize as I type this that this is one of those things that I have to turn over to Jesus.
I will lay it at His feet and ask Him to help me put fear behind me and be a better Mother every day.
But wouldn't it be nice to start again?